Monday, 7 August 2017

2 years after heartbreak // what I've learnt


Pre warning: This post is about 90% word vomit and 10% structure so I apologise in advance for the couple of grammar and spelling mistakes there are bound to be.

At some point in our lives most people go through heartbreak. It's something that happens to almost everyone yet a lot of the time it can still make you feel so alone and as if no one else has ever felt the pain you are going through before. I always want to be as honest and real as I can so this post is going to probably be my most raw and personal post to date. Here's some context which I feel is needed to understand the points that are to follow about what I have learnt since getting my heart broken.

My previous relationship started when I was 15 and he was 17. I was at secondary school at the time and the prospect of a boyfriend two years older that could drive was extremely attractive, as it would be to any insecure 15 year old like me. I was going through a point in my life where I had absolutely no clue who I was or who I wanted to be. I also had a pretty rough time at school with people being beyond nasty and I absolutely hated it. We properly met at a Halloween party of one of my friends outside of school, I can't remember how we got talking but we ended up shareing our interests over music which was vaguely one of the only things we had in common. I learnt that he was a maths genius (I'm not even kidding) and so we started meeting up so he could tutor me for my GCSE which I was struggleing with. Roughly one month after the party we started going out and then almost two years later he broke up with me. The break up was completely unexpected for me and it broke me as a person. And by unexpected I mean, in the car on the way to break up with me he asked if I wanted to go and see Foals with him in Bristol as they'd just released new tour dates. (I know who does that right?). Anyway, as you can guess I was an absolute mess. I was 17 and going through one of the lowest points in my life with no identity and no one to go to. We should never have been together, completely unmatched and not suited to one another at all. That relationship taught me more than just algebra and complex numbers though, and this post is to explain all of those things I learnt in hope that it will help someone going through a break up, or feeling lost in their relationship currently and not knowing what to do.

As a disclaimer I would like to say that this post is not about shaming him or making him out to be or feel like a bad person. I genuinely don't think he will ever even know that this post was ever written and therefore nothing in this post was written to be hurtful or spiteful. I only want to help others going through a similar situation by sharing my experiences with you.

We were toxic.

This happens all the time in friendships and relationships but it's something I've only just learnt about us. We didn't treat each other right, we resented each other at times and a relationship should never ever be that way. We would argue over the most stupid things and be hurtful to one another. We didn't necessarily bring out the worst in each other but by being together we would never have reached our true potential. His absolute genius often made me feel like a complete and utter idiot, he would always have an unintentional way of making me feel 2nd best when I needed him. On the other hand, I would crave attention for when something bad had happened while he was hundreds of miles away at uni and unintentionally make him feel guilty for not being with me, even though how could I expect for him to just come home like some kind of movie? Everything got to the point where we were blinded by the fact that we thought we loved each other and had been together a long time, that we never realised the damage we were doing to each other. I feel like this is probably the hardest point to see and the most difficult lesson to learn but I now know the signs to look for. The main one being having something to say that's important to you but not saying it because you're worried with how they will perceive you or react. Also if you find someone is constantly letting you down or making you feel bad even unintentionally, that shouldn't be the case at all in a friendship let alone relationship.

I didn't love myself and used being with him for confidence.

I was 15 when I met him and the prospect of having a boyfriend that could drive and take me places was very attractive. I met him at probably the lowest point of secondary school for me. I had no friends and felt completely invisible all the time as if I didn't matter at all and had no purpose. When I met him I thought to myself 'oh someones actually interested in me and what I have to say' and as soon as that thought crossed my mind was when I started gaining 'confidence' for all the wrong reasons. It was a weird time in my life because with him and my friends outside of school I was 'confident' and 'happy' but as soon as I got out of my mums car to go to school I was a shell of a person and could go the whole day without saying a word to anyone and no one would care or notice. There's a dangerous difference between having confidence in yourself and having it in others. Without him stood beside me I was nothing, I wasn't interesting, I wasn't pretty, I wasn't worth listening to. But with him I had ground to stand on because I was with him, I was pretty because someone 2 years older than me who could've gotten someone his own age 'chose me', I was a good person because why would he be with a bad one? That was my logic and it couldn't have been more wrong and that is probably the main reason as to why I completely broke down and as a person and lost every sense of self-identity I once had.

He taught me what love is by us not haveing it.

I was adamant that I loved him. However, there was always that lingering feeling of 'I can't see us being together forever' kind of feeling. I've always had a fear of commitment. My first boyfriend was when I was 12 or 13 or so and we went out for a week and then I dumped him on valentines day because he gave me a rose and I was scared that it was all getting a bit serious - dramatic eh? The year after I dumped my boyfriend of 2 weeks the day after valentines day because I was given chocolates in the shape of hearts... I didn't even eat them myself and instead shared them out with random people because I was that freaked... It's no surprise that Harry and I don't even celebrate valentines day, instead we celebrate 'friendlentine' and give each other socks and reminisce over what it was like when we were just friends. If you think that's cringey then god knows what you must think about Valentines day... Anyway Im going off topic here. What I mean to say is that I thought it was normal for me to not see a future with him because of my fear of commitment if that makes sense. But now that I am with someone that genuinely makes me laugh, smile and know my worth to him every single day I now know that I never loved him. The reason why I broke down as a person after our breakup wasn't because I loved him it was because he was everything I had and everything that gave my life a purpose as dramatic as it sounds. And just for the record I do see a future with Harry and the next chapter for us begins on October 6th 2017.......

I am stronger than I ever thought I was. 

As painful as it is for me to quote this but 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger'. When i'm having a bloody awful day where absolutely nothing is going right for me I can look back on my life and say to myself 'I've survived everything shit that's happened to me so far, this is just another one of those things'. I know everyone seems to say this but I've been through a lot and because of that I know that anything that comes my way now that gives me grief or makes me feel horrible in myself it will get better, I just have to wait it out. He taught me to be strong by hurting me the most anyone ever has and bringing me to my absolute weakest.

I had no identity then but thought I did.

I have looked through pictures, watched videos, listened to recordings of who I was then and every single time I am shocked at the fact of how much I was pretending to be someone I am definitely not. No wonder so many people thought I was weird, when someone is acting in a way that is as transparently not themselves of course it's going to ring alarm bells in peoples heads - gave them no right to be so mean to me about it but let's save that for another post. I was a complete concoction of personalities and people that I wanted to be. I wanted to be the cool girl so I started swearing cause she did, I wanted to be the pretty girl so started wearing foundation WAAAYYY too orange for my skintone (thanks mum for buying me the wrong shade pfft), I wanted to be the rock girl so wore black eyeshadow all over my lids and said it was 'natural', I wanted to be the popular girl so went out with someone older than me. I was none of those girls, just the girl who had no idea who she was or who she wanted to be until it was all taken away from her and people start to see through it all when I gave it up. I wasn't two-faced or fake, I was incredibly insecure and wanted to please everyone by being the people I aspired to be instead of just being unapologetically myself which I now am. After I'd stopped grieving over our breakup and started to try and get over him, it was a fresh new start for me. I completely rebuilt myself as a person under the motif of 'I'm going to be, say, wear, do whatever I want and I don't care what anyone things'. I'm the best me there is and I'm incredibly proud I can say that now.

I thought a lot of things were normal for a relationship that aren't.

Let me put this into perspective for you. He only let me listen to *insert fave band/artist here* (*whispers 'Taylor Swift'*) on my Birthday. Ok maybe he let me listen to her on more than just one occasion but it was incredibly limited! The fact that I even had to type 'let' there is an issue. I mean love in sickness and in health right? I'm joking, I don't consider my love for Taylor a sickness whatsoever, if anything it's something i'm proud of. Obviously that's only a little thing however then we move onto more serious things.. I thought it was normal for my to be crying my eyes out in his bathroom for 15 minutes and then for me to come back and him not to notice whatsoever. I thought it was normal for him to have a little 'spend time with Rhaea' slot in his revision timetable, I thought it was normal in a relationship for him to completely disregard me being completely distraught over something that had happened that day to me just because he was in Scotland with his friends. None of that was normal and those are the things that should ring alarm bells if they are currently happening to you.

I now know what I deserve.

I stand by the fact that I gave him everything I could have given and he gave me barely anything back. My Granma always reminds me that relationships are all about give and take. He took everything that he could get and then once he got bored and wanted some new 'entertainment' left. I hate how much of a door mat I was then. Fortunately I now have what I deserve, and yes that is someone who not only listens to Taylor Swift with me on a regular basis but says they would love to see her live with me. The reason he had for breaking up with me was that he couldn't be there for me how I wanted when I needed him. What he didn't know then is that you don't need to be there for someone in a certain way you just need to be there for them full stop. If you're in Scotland with your friends you give yourself 10-30 minutes to call your upset significant other and simply tell them that you're there for them and although you may not understand exactly whats going on in there head that you will always be there to support them and let them know that you care and that they are worth more to you that anything. But I guess that's exactly why it ended, because I wasn't worth that to him, if I was then he would have called. It's these kind of things that should have woken me up and made me realise that we were full on wrong for each other but they didn't because I was captivated in the fact that he gave me a purpose.

No matter how much we hate each other now I can never regret our relationship.

Anyone that knows either one of us will know we are not friends and we never will be. I wouldn't be the person I am today however and might never have gotten together with Harry, had we never of been together. Had he not destroyed the pretender I was then I wouldn't have had the foundations to become the person I am now and the person I am proud to be. Him breaking up with me is the only thing I have to thank him for, and maybe my A in GCSE maths.

This post wasn't easy to write, and it isn't like any of my previous posts. Opening memories that I have tried to completely block out of my mind for over 2 years is always going to be hard and take time but I feel better for it now. I'm happy that hopefully everything I learnt and have written about in this post will help someone that is either going through a break up or is having doubts about the one that they are in. Like I said at the start, this post isn't about him, it isn't even about me, it's about the person that is going through the exact same thing that I went through because I am 100% confident that there are a lot of people that are currently and have in the past.

I hope that, whether you know me personally or not, that you are respectful, I've typed my heart and soul into this post and although I currently live a very light-hearted life that I couldn't be happier with at the moment I take my past very seriously. It takes a lot of guts to disclose something so personal on the internet but I feel like now is the perfect time to start using my little platform to help others.

Living with Love is Happy. Living for Love is Lethal.

Thank you,

Rhaea x
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